


i promise, darling, you'll break soon

by justK



Series: one night what i saw in the darkness was the strange shadow that chased me after [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: (takes deep deep breath), (that's a lot of mentals huh), Abandonment, Alternate Universe - Canon, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Dissociation, Distress, Disturbing Themes, Drug Use, Guns, Hallucinations, Implied Sexual Content, Knifeplay, Knives, Lima Syndrome, M/M, Manipulation, Mark haechan and doyoung are only mentioned, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Mentions of Murder, Minor Character Death, Non Linear Narrative, Not Betaed, Original Character(s), Panic Attacks, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Self-Harm, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, alright that's it for real, and it's, but it's not aaaaas bad as it sounds, detachment from reality, disrupted narrative, here go my tags:, i forgot, i missed some tags, i think that's it for the strong tags, it is dark, just allow me to say, lemme write it here, loss of oneself, most of these are implied themes, not even close, now onto the next, there's also, ups, wait, you gotta read the other two shots to understand
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-18 21:16:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28624716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justK/pseuds/justK
Summary: you can't look the devil in the eye and expect not to fall.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Suh Youngho | Johnny/Qian Kun
Series: one night what i saw in the darkness was the strange shadow that chased me after [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2092320
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	i promise, darling, you'll break soon

**Author's Note:**

> not a native english speaker, i apologise for any mistake i might have.
> 
> click for:
> 
> [aesthetic](https://tenactwayv.tumblr.com/post/639713435233533952/who-is-mad-is-it-i-i-promise-darling-youll)

_who is mad?_

_ is it i?  _

“am i insane to you?” 

Kun scanned his face and Johnny felt hot on his cheeks, with Kun's delicate stare visiting all his features, stopping a moment longer on his own eyes, scrutinising, like he couldn't get the hint he wanted, but he got Johnny's attention, and so Johnny could see him come to terms with  _ whatever this was.  _

“no, master,” he finally said. “you're not.” 

_ because you're as messed up as i, don't you know? _

_ but if we are mad, why aren't they?  _

_ perhaps they're mad and we are sane.  _

_ what if it's not us, but people out there?  _

_ could they be wrong, while we are correct?  _

Johnny let it slip. so he better asked:

“how was it?” Kun nodded, that meant  _ fine _ . “did you like going outside on your own?” 

“very much, sir!” Kun exclaimed. “look! i got you something.” 

“let me see, treasure.”

Kun carried a small box in his hands, all black, plain and simple, it made Johnny's eyes wander back to the angelic face scarce centimetres away, it was full of a strangely calm excitement, a small smile on his lips and long lashes ghosting over his cheekbones. he took the box, opening the lid, and staring into what was inside: a tiny mirror, pocket watch shaped and golden, almost yellow, yellow as in Van Gogh's palette towards the end of his life. 

Kun resembled an excited puppy after bringing back the ball he was playing with, waiting for its owner to throw it far again, so he spoke, what came to be his gentle way of encouraging Johnny. 

“do you like it?” Johnny felt him lean slightly forward. 

he didn't answer, not right away, boxed in the reflection of his hair in the tiny thing, shaking and slowly raising towards his front to look at his right eye on the surface, there, where you could see a small scar. 

“it's pretty,” he forced himself to say, it wasn't a lie, he just didn't understand why Kun would pick up something like this. 

Kun nodded. “nice, right?” he said, extending his index finger to point at the teeny button-like shape at the top of the circular object. “it is like a clock, but with no actual time.” 

“yeah,” Johnny replied. “why did you choose it?” 

Kun was going back to his original position now, straightening his back and placing his hands on his legs. 

“because i liked the colour,” he explained first. “i like yellow, did you know it is the colour of hope?”  _ there's no hope, there isn't such thing in this world _ , he wanted to say. he didn't, but he understood in his head. 

“i like yellow too,” he said instead, completely true, if the sunflower tattoo on his forearm was anything to go by. but Johnny liked yellow for a completely different reason, it didn't represent hope as it did to Kun, there were poisonous animals this shade, and especially combined with black it was such a dangerous colour, Johnny's gut growled at that. Kun hummed. 

“you can always see yourself there,” he added. 

_ myself _ . 

“can you see yourself here too?” Johnny turned the mirror in his hands so that it was now facing Kun and the golden facing him. Kun moved to the side to accommodate his reflection. 

“i guess i do,” he was moving his head in different directions as if to check himself. “i can see different me's depending on the day.” 

Johnny has never been able to see the same version of himself twice. it was always a different one, to the point it became overwhelming, time and lack of awareness mixing together and drowning Johnny in. 

“but i don't know,” he heard Kun still speaking. “i might never know,  _ for what is and what isn't? _ ”

Johnny abruptly placed the mirror inside the box and shut it close. he smiled. 

“it's wonderful,” opening his arms, Kun moved to nestle in them, burying his nose in Johnny's cheek in satisfaction when Johnny grabbed him with force, digging his nails in Kun's soft skin, the one that used to be perfect, and that Johnny came to polish even more, painting on it like a canvas, abstract and twisted, his own self-portrait. 

i guess it's safe to say he admired Kun for that, because while he absolutely despised himself, Kun embraced his new scars. 

“ _ i love that you never fight back _ ,” he had told him and it was true, unlike the rest of the people he had tormented at some point, Kun seemed to fall naturally into his current situation, not even once did he ask him to stop, lifting his head, all pliant and quiet, only ever begging him to not damage Ten. he scoffed internally.  _ Ten _ , the bastard, Johnny swore he could feel bile rise up his throat. 

his big, big hand grabbed Kun's thin neck, it looked like art, a photography Johnny could have taken right there, framing the details of the goosebumps on Kun's skin, his tendons sticking out, his accentuated collarbone and the outline of the sharp edges below his adam apple each time he inhaled, all surrounded by long, thin fingers, not quite as white as Kun's, elegant, determined and so visually aesthetic… Johnny had to rip the skin. not only his neck, everything about Kun was pleasant, lean, unmarked, responsive, contrasting beautifully with the deep red shade of his blood, it made Johnny crave it, it made Johnny shake, it gave in under his not gentle touch, ripping under the blades, breaking under the lash, bruising under his fist.  _ magnificent _ . 

Johnny shivered under Kun's touch, too. 

“master,” it was late, around three am, the time Johnny would often wake up under the spell of his dreams, reminiscing not events, but feelings, emotions, it made him explode. but with Kun,  _ oh _ , with him everything was calmer, they often stayed awake, or asleep, but Johnny would only cry to himself under the blankets, he would open his eyes in the darkness to see shades mixing together, screaming mouths and bloodshot eyes, on the ceiling, on the wall, on the mirror of the bathroom of the almost empty apartment floor. “master,” and Johnny would snap out. it took him some time, but, eventually, he was able to reply. 

“what is it, doll?” 

he felt Kun's dead cold hands roam over his shoulders and back, for some people, the cold was unbearable, often seeing them flinch under the contrasting touch, the way Yuta did when Taeyong would sneak his chilly hands under his shirt. but Johnny wouldn't complain, he had lived colder nights, he had felt colder things, he had grown colder himself. and yet, he still burned everything under his touch. 

“can i ask you a question?” his voice was shaky, Johnny noted, and he couldn't see his eyes in the dark, but he could picture them glassy and dancing, as nervous as he felt his grip on him. Kun was scared, he finally decided. but where he would have once thought of running away, Johnny knew he wouldn't intend to now. 

Johnny hated questions, the only one strong enough to manage his anger outbursts afterwards being Jaehyun, always calm, tough, unmovable, some of the reasons Johnny had made him his right hand, nothing could ever go wrong under Jaehyun's control.  _ the dog _ , was the nickname Johnny had gifted him with: loyal, cute-looking at times, sharp canines when he smiled. with Kun though, Johnny could snap, and he probably would flinch, but he would accept everything given to him. he thought it safe. 

“sure.” 

he heard, rather than saw, how Kun licked his lips, preparing himself to shoot his shot, had Johnny seen his soft features under some light, he would have seen hesitation, fear to mess up, he still could imagine it, but Kun's hand traveled to cup his cheek, and Johnny understood, Kun would always offer himself for him to project all his anger on. it,  _ strangely _ , warmed his chest. 

“what-” and then he stopped, Johnny tapped his finger on the pillow, if Kun didn't hurry up, he would pin him to the bed and make him bleed. he would probably end up doing exactly that, anyway. Kun continued before Johnny could move. “who did this to you?” 

_ this _ . he didn't say it explicitly, but Johnny knew what he meant. 

“people are always willing to go to inhumane extremes to get what they want,” Johnny said. “haven't you learned by now?” 

Kun, always perceptive, didn't answer, and it was okay, because Johnny would have slapped him if he did. instead, Kun offered him his silence, letting him take whatever and however he pleased, he knew it to be wrong, but it felt  _ so _ good. to have him screaming, bleeding, breaking under his ministrations. Johnny just loved to make people shatter to pieces, taking more and more, against their will, until they eventually broke, the same way the spinal cord would after a suicide by hanging. abrupt, amusing, delightful. 

the reason was simple enough if looked back, several years ago, when Johnny — Youngho, back then — was dumped into that dungeon of a room, cold, unbearably so, rough, dark and dingy. he had been around twelve at the time and he never knew what it was all about. all he ever knew was that he was chained, locked up, beaten, verbally attacked by men he had never seen in his life, destroying all remnants of a colourful childhood Johnny once knew. 

it went on for months, starving, dehydrating, dying from cold, sore to the very bone, with no  _ yellow _ light in sight. the yellow light came later, once he was out, but it was nothing like the hope he expected to find. the yellow was all over his eyes, when opened, when closed, signaling his dementia-

“ _ i don't care whatever fucking medicine you have to drug him with _ ,” that was his father yelling at the doctor Johnny grew to hate so much. “ _ i want it done and i want it done now! _ ” 

his mother had eventually broken, too. 

it was the hardest thing to see, as Johnny was buried in a warm, expensive duvet, with his mother's arms around his disgustingly malnutritioned body. she looked strong, even when it should have been difficult to lose a child and wait endless nights for him to only return as a weak, barely there, shadow of the kid he had once been. but she did cry, Johnny remembers, she had downright let out broken, piercing, heartbreaking sobs and screams, the first time she took Johnny to the bathtub to cleanse his body. he didn't bother looking at himself in the mirror after that. he had even come to forget how he looked like. 

until his mother died, that is. 

the official statement was a heart attack, easy for the people to believe after knowing everything the Suh family had been through. but Johnny knew better, because he was there. he had been there the night his mom was under whatever substance, erratic, crying, unable to grab onto anything due to how hard her body shook, completely disconnected from reality. but that hadn't been the hardest part, not at all. the hard part was watching her bring down the entire living room, throwing glasses and smashing ceramic figures with her bare foot as the floor slowly drenched with her blood. his father wasn't there, trying to close deals and save whatever little he could, that was probably why his mom had lost a grip of herself, she shouldn't have been left alone with a kid that was traumatised,  _ post-traumatic stress disorder _ , he was told. 

and so, unable to do anything, he fell to the floor as his mother pulled the trigger of that one gun he still kept under the pillow of his own bed. 

_ useless _ . that's what he had told himself for long years after that. 

his father gave up on everything after hearing the news. a broken company, a broken family, a broken mind. 

Johnny had to deal with the aftermath himself, after his father fled the country, to never hear about him again. 

but it was hard. it was _so_ _damn_ _hard_ , trying to deal with the ruins of a once powerful empire, trying to build it back up, while dealing with his own flooding emotions, it was so overwhelming, Johnny also lost a grip of himself. but he, oddly, never broke as terrifically as his mother did. neither did Kun, he now associates. 

he drowned in drugs, alcohol and self-destruction, blurring the lines of the real and the imaginary, bowing down under the abandonment, the constant reflection of a person he didn't know, it changed every single time and he was sure he was none of them and each one at the same time. physical pain was what relieved most of his inner pain, often fighting in that one gym down the street until he bled, grabbing a belt and whipping himself with it until his white shirts were impossibly red. 

he lived in a constant dissociation, his thoughts didn't make sense half the time, but there was poison inside, and it was what moved him to keep going. it wasn't easy, i am not going to lie, but this twisted version of a person was too powerful to handle. unstoppable, unmovable. no one could bear with him, people ended up questioning how was Johnny able to deal with himself. 

he eventually made a deal with the mafia, it was the only way he could find to rebuild his family's business and when those people didn't see him hesitate to engage in any type of murder, he was more than welcomed to say the least. 

there he met Jaehyun and Yuta. remember i told you it was difficult to be on par with Johnny? well, it was. until it wasn't. you'll see, it was difficult to manage him, to want to be at his same level, but being under him? that was totally possible and he was manipulative enough, people didn't even realise they were under his command, until they wanted to escape and couldn't. Jaehyun and Yuta didn't escape, though, and they put up with Johnny's anger, fighting him back, until one day, finally, they earned Johnny's respect. 

they brought many people into Johnny's entourage with time, including two cute little boys that Johnny adopted at first sight: Donghyuck and Mark. 

Johnny had lost plenty of things throughout his life, but he promised himself he wouldn't lose these kids... imagine his dispair when he once came back to find them laying on the floor of his house, bleeding out. 

he had many enemies, he knew that well, he still couldn't make himself understand how people targeted children to get their gnarled desires. 

if Johnny wasn't mad before, he definitely was now. 

he made killing and torturing his distraction, finding comfort and shelter in screams that weren't his own, in blood that wasn't his mother's or his sweet little boys'. it was his sport, and Johnny was a damn ace at it. that didn't mean Johnny didn't lose sometimes, but he didn't lose against other people.  _ no _ . he lost against himself. 

you could tell he lost when you found him struggling to find himself (not that he knew who himself really was), he had lost that long ago, years ago, probably months ago, or yesterday, it was also possible that just this morning. time was also irrelevant to him. he had no plans, he had no childhood, not a single relationship he could maintain without pushing the other person way too much, they ended five metres underground. 

substance abuse. 

panic attacks. 

fight-or-flight response. 

you name it. it was never the same and Johnny had them awake and asleep, sometimes he would be dreaming about blood and pain and twisted faces, dark rooms and terrific places, or was it dreaming? he never knew. it could be during the day while he was walking down the halls of his building, catching out of the corner of his eye his outline reflected on the impossibly clean crystal walls, and then another, and then some soulless eyes, lifeless hands, soundless screams. he had to cut open the palm of his hand to see if he indeed wasn't dreaming, not that it worked, because Johnny couldn't live without pain, it being present even while asleep, so he just had to get a hold of himself as best he could, while he watched the ticking clock to decipher how fast it was moving, if three blinks was one second, then he was in dreamland and he had to wake up, no matter how. 

he settled on telling Kun the following:

“ _ you can't touch the devil's fire and expect not to get burned _ .” 

there, Kun understood. because he was just as gone, Johnny knew that very well. and so, he smiled at Kun as he threateningly slid his hand behind him, grabbing at his pocket knife and digging the sharp edge in his finger, like sleeping beauty, one pinch and he'll go to sleep. dreamless, painless, thoughtless. 

Kun screamed. 

it gave life to Johnny, whenever he did that,  _ maybe there is certain hope _ , he thought and he looked at the tiny mirror resting on the nightstand.  _ let me destroy you _ , his eyes said,  _ do as you please _ , Kun's replied. 

he never told Kun what had happened to him, but how could he? tell him how he had fallen for a precious man, in jeju it was, and how that had led him to what he had secretly craved all his life. 

it had been a cold night in seoul, during one of those exclusive business parties, when he saw this man, of shorter height than himself, impossibly black hair and cat-like eyes. Johnny had been abandoned all his life, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that he was obsessive and where he set the eye, he landed the bullet. 

as he sneaked through the elegant dressed people, he studied the man, sitting on a small table all alone. a quick scan told him he was single, for there was no ring; and he was powerful, his aura shining bright and demanding of attention, well, he definitely had Johnny's. 

“ _ that's a pretty big sapphire _ ,” the one on his index finger, that is. that called the man's attention. “ _ three hundred carats? _ ” 

the man smiled. 

“ _ three hundred and ninety-two point fifty-two, to be exact _ ,” was his reply. 

“ _ like the blue belle of asia _ ,” said Johnny just as the man said almost the same. 

a nod. “ _ the same _ .” 

Johnny smiled, charming, because he had always been handsome, all mental sickness aside. 

“ _ would a man of such value spend the rest of the night with someone with just a graff ruby between his hands? _ ” 

the dark-haired young man hummed. 

“ _ my name's Ten _ .” 

“ _ Youngho _ ,” he hissed. “ _ a pleasure _ .” 

that night could have been a mistake due to the sequels it left after, but much to Johnny's delight, it actually hadn't. 

Ten wasn't from around, that Johnny could tell right away, and so he didn't get lost in what could have been, content with having a somewhat normal relationship of brief four months with Ten. why hadn't Ten triggered the psychopath inside Johnny? oh, because life had other plans. 

Johnny was a mastermind himself, and the power he seeked wasn't ambition, it was control. add Ten to the picture, incredible mind and persuasive skills, the mindset of a businessman, although, for him, ambition was included. 

that one time they had been sharing wine, Johnny saw an opportunity to expand his control by agreeing to Ten's suggestions, without realising he was giving into a dangerous blow, basically gifting a part of his venture to someone else. 

“ _ look, merging with this line would actually be a really good thing, i'd do it myself if i had soju producers under my command _ .” 

“ _ and after everything's solidified, you and i can associate as well _ ,” Johnny repeated while nodding. “ _ good _ .” 

Ten's eyes were mesmerising, enough to fool Johnny, who was never fooled, exactly the same way Kun would be whipped for him, he understood.

Ten did end up triggering Johnny's wrath, it was too late when Johnny realised Ten had actually manipulated him into getting what he wanted,  _ a world ruled by ambition _ , he later came to find Ten was a Leechaiyapornkul, at first instance that didn't mean anything to him, not until he had Jaehyun and Yuta track him down. 

kill him did he want. 

_ just as his fucking piece of shit of a dad _ , that was for sure, and Johnny saw the world illuminate for him for the first time since he was twelve. 

back when his father had a good grip of his business, Johnny knew he was envied, but his dad remained unbothered. you'll see, for being a rich family, Johnny's was quite humble and during his first years Johnny didn't lack love not even once, and he was never forced by his parents to follow their same path, only asking of him to be a good person. good people fall from a higher place, to a harsh reality, an ambitious one. 

in order to break his family, Johnny had been kidnapped, by no one else that sent mafia man by Ten's family, a quite good strategy, because family and emotions are the easiest target, the best manipulation ever to exist. and it worked. 

so when Ten came flashing his pompous feathers, he had tied Johnny to a deal Johnny couldn't escape from, that wasn't as bad, really, considering everything Johnny had been through all his life. it was the opportunity of finally being at peace with himself what clouded his better — non-existent — judgement. 

Leechaiyapornkul, right? 

Johnny could kill them all. but no. he was destined to a life full of torment, so why would he give them the satisfaction? 

he targeted Ten instead. 

after some observation, Johnny deemed it easy enough. he had to steal and break what Ten loved the most in the world, that would kill Ten and with enough control, Ten would lose his, subsequently losing his company, his money, his reputation, leaving them all bare and helpless. some torture after, Johnny might send them to the limits of insanity too. 

_ because if this is what you gave me, it is only fair i give it back _ , he held a conversation with himself.  _ oh, how generous i am.  _

there was just a tiny flaw in his perfect plan. 

_ he hadn't considered Kun _ . 

Kun, all pretty and small, defending Ten until he lost the battle and himself too. Kun, giving himself all for Johnny to use, appreciating the havoc left after, looking at himself in the mirror and dragging Johnny with him. 

“ _ we're okay _ ,” he would tell Johnny. “ _ we're here _ .” 

it was like Kun pulled Johnny towards him, not bringing him to reality, because Kun was gone too, but taking him to a quieter place, calmer and where the shadows that chased him after were more subtle, less harmful, more pleasant. it was Kun offering his own world, his mind and body and  _ Johnny fell. _ he fell hard. but he didn't break. and neither did Kun. or they probably did, but they glued together and Johnny felt like the victorious man he had never been. 

“do it,” Kun begged, arching and clenching his fists painfully tight where Johnny had him pinned to the mattress. he let go of his hands and sat on his haunches, slowly pulling out despite his instincts telling him to thrust harder. looking down at Kun's glowing figure, he did as Kun asked, and Johnny smiled slicing his superficial flesh with the tip of his knife, bathing Kun's belly in his own blood, Kun moaned under him, spreading his legs wider and shifting Johnny's attention to where they connected, magnetic enough to pull Johnny back into him, pounding into his tight heat until Kun was positively screaming his name. 

“you take me so well,” Johnny whispered, low and predatory, dragging the blade down Kun's arm. 

“and you fuck me so good,” Kun replied. “mark me.” 

Johnny wrapped his hand around Kun's neck then, applying pressure and  _ fuck _ , it'll be so satisfying to just press harder and see Kun go lifeless,  _ but no _ . because Kun was his escape, he couldn't lose him. this time he promised so,  _ for good _ . 

“how's it going?” 

“he's been losing money quickly enough, but we've seen that's not his major issue.” 

Johnny didn't answer, sipping instead on his glass of whiskey, allowing Jaehyun to continue. 

“our sources tell us that he's been suffering hallucinations, we also saw his guard getting drugs for him-” 

Johnny tsk-ed at that, slowly shaking his head as he wet his lips with his tongue. 

“denying our business only to fall in it himself.” 

“he's going crazy,” Jaehyun finally said. 

“it's not enough,” Johnny placed his glass down and signaled for his right hand to come closer, Jaehyun did. “use whatever pawn is necessary to put it in his way, lead him to all the wrong places, i want him to kill someone and i want him locked up in a psychiatric hospital.  _ i want him to break _ .” 

“yes, sir.” 

satisfaction was what Johnny felt when Jaehyun returned successful one night, a night he was spending at his own house. 

“he attacked a man,” Johnny smiled. Jaehyun continued speaking. “he had already been under medication, 'cause apparently the outbursts and hallucinations he was suffering were becoming too much, and his father would be very disappointed and disgusted if someone knew. i made his nurse mess up his medicines and he himself confessed he had killed someone, but i doubt he'll be going to jail, the mental analysis will come up really bad.” 

“good job.” 

the dog, remember? at times like this, Jaehyun could resemble one two well, but one of those attack dogs after completing a task. 

he had to make sure the job he had assigned Jaehyun was exactly what he asked for, though. so he drove long streets and stepped out of his very expensive car, and into the building, whose façade resembled a prison. it could have made Johnny weaken, but it didn't, because he was the one who held control here. he walked, confidently, tall and upstanding, black hair combed perfectly, designer suit and polished shoes, a couple rings on his delicious fingers, an earring rocking back and forth with his every step. 

the walls were white, unbelievable so, as white as Kun's skin, it made Johnny want to write what his demons whispered to his ear late at night in blood. getting in wasn't a problem at all, people knew who he was, and when he took out a fat bunch of bills, it didn't even take three seconds for a nurse to be by his side to lead him in. 

they stopped in front of the door, which had only a tiny window to look inside. Johnny didn't do it straight away. 

“what's his problem?” he asked. 

“well,” the nurse started to explain. “he was hospitalised before due to an overdose, as soon as he came out he was needed to complete some examinations, which came out to be tragic, to say the least-”

“he was already under a legal process, if i'm not mistaken, is that correct?” 

the nurse nodded. “because of that he was meant to see a psychologist, i think he panicked, because that's when he nearly killed himself and here he is now,” Johnny didn't say anything, but signaled her to continue speaking. “i said it's tragic because it's heart-rending to see. he's suffering from some sort of prolonged grief disorder, a variation of it, because that's normally present after a loved one dies, which is how he associates the loss of his fiancé, this leads to hallucinations and a mild psychosis, as well as really unhealthy coping mechanisms, he has rage outbursts and it's close to a bipolar disorder, but not exactly.” 

that's when Johnny moved, pointing to the door and letting out a small “may i?” to which the nurse said  _ yes _ , and they switched positions, so that she could open the door as Johnny took the chance to lower his head a little, because he was taller than the small peephole window on the door, to look inside. there he was. 

“i am not sure if he's conscious right now or in wonderland,” she said. “he continues going back and forth, but right now he's calm. push the button if anything gets out of control.” 

Johnny thanked her and she left, he watched her close the door and he slowly turned around. he met Ten's eyes in the process. 

“oh, so you're awake,” he said. “perfect.” 

“Youngho,” Ten recognised and he sat up in a beat. “what are you doing here?” 

“wow,” Johnny exclaimed, dragging his finger along the window frame. “no  _ hi, how are you? good to see you? _ ” Ten only blinked. “no? well, that's a shame.” 

“i have a fiancé,” he then explained. 

“do you, really?” Ten nodded. 

“he's out there, waiting for me,” Johnny began to notice Ten wasn't exactly in his actual time, he seemed trapped in the time he was the happiest in, as opposed to Johnny, trapped in the time he was the unhappiest in. 

_ let's bring him back, shall we?  _

“oh, seriously,” Johnny smiled. “that's good, i am not here because of anything that happened between us, just so you know,” Ten's cat eyes softened at that. “it's good to know you're engaged. congrats! when's the wedding?” 

“it's-” Ten started. “it's in december,” Johnny frowned, but it wasn't necessary to do anything else, since Ten himself was starting to struggle to make sense of his words. “no, wait- what month is this?” 

“march,” Johnny answered, swallowing his smile. 

“of what year?” 

“2021.”

Ten jerked his head back, breathing in and out, stirring the corners of his mind. 

“no, but- Kun hasn't planned the wedding…” 

“ah, i don't know, man,” Johnny smiled this time. he sat down on the uncomfortable bed. 

“Kun is not here, is he?” Johnny serpented across the bed at that. “Youngho-” 

“Johnny,” he cut him off. “call me Johnny.” 

Ten's eyes widened almost comically at that, like he had returned abruptly to the present time and he attempted to kick Johnny out, only to be stopped by Johnny's hand on his throat. 

“did you like my birthday present last year?” 

Ten didn't reply, and even if he tried, he couldn't let words out at how tightly Johnny had him held, he was beginning to struggle for breath, and Johnny could kill him right there and not be blamed for it, after all Ten had some sort of dementia, and he could buy this yellow house if necessary. he didn't. because a life like this, locked up in a sad, lifeless hospital room, was the least Ten and his family deserved. it was all connected, you know?

“i know your birthday this year has already passed, but don't worry, i can still give you a late gift. wait for it, would you?” 

he let go of Ten and just as Ten started to regain his composure, aiming at Johnny, Johnny pushed the button and two male nurses came storming in. 

“i don't know what's happening,” he said over Ten's screams. “good luck with him.” 

and he left. 

as he simultaneously drove Ten to the exact place he wanted him to be, he started to let Kun out. 

“you know what you have to do, right?” 

Kun nodded like a happy child, entrusted with a difficult chore for the first time. 

“walk confidently, leave the briefcase and take the money,” he listed. “go back to Yuta and Taeyong after.” 

“that's correct, treasure,” Johnny clapped. “they'll be waiting for you in the van around the corner.”

they were having breakfast as they spoke, and Kun was biting on a cookie when he nodded again, as if confirming what Johnny had said. 

just before Kun could cross the door, Johnny grabbed him by the jaw, harsh and bruising, he could snap him anytime. only he didn't, because Kun took every shove, every grip, every scratch  _ so well.  _

“i want you back,” he sentenced. 

“not that i would like to go anywhere else, Johnny,” that softened Johnny's stone cold heart. 

later that day, Johnny felt his skin bristle and he immediately could tell something was wrong. Kun should have returned at two pm, maximum, it was already five when Yuta came back running into his house, agitated and disheveled saying someone had spotted Kun while he was picking up Johnny's business, calling the police and taking him to be inspected. 

Johnny knew what would happen. Kun was way too messed up to be declared the same person he was, luckily, Johnny had built him up the exact way he wanted to. he would get him back. 

“i want you to monitor every fucking mental institution,” Johnny spat, Yuta didn't even flinch after so many years handling his outrages. “and i don't want you asking for permission, you give the money you deem appropriate and you bring Kun back!” 

“yes, boss.” 

it took some days, days in which Johnny felt a painful absence he hadn't felt ever since Kun entered his life, carrying his small pocket watch mirror everywhere and listening to Yuta's updates thrice a day. as expected, Kun was sent to a  _ yellow _ house, and no one was allowed to see him. 

even though Johnny knew Kun would be back, the painfully slow nine days that took Yuta to find him and bring him back, felt like an eternity, a messed up time and space he hadn't felt himself in ever since he met Kun. while waiting for him in the almost empty apartment, that Kun had managed to turn a little bit warm with time, Johnny felt unbearably cold, almost reliving that time in a dungeon-like room, alone and unknown. 

he stumbled upon everything the second night, after he had stabbed his forearm, just in the inner junction of his elbow, with a syringe, injecting himself with prescribed opioids that made him go numb, but not relieving so. he felt pain, exactly the same way he felt when he was dreaming about his life, and he felt desperation, like he was drowning and he couldn't come out of the water, or like he was burning alive and he couldn't turn off the fire. the small mirror Kun had gifted him with wasn't much help when he was like this, because he tried to look at himself there, looking for Kun's reflection next to him, hearing his soothing  _ we're here, we're okay _ , over and over again. just Kun wasn't there and Johnny was definitely not okay. 

it distorted his reality, when he looked at himself in the mirror, tattoos and scars uncovered, and he lost sense of time, he could spend a minute, or probably an hour, standing there, in front of the sink of the bathroom, with the water of his bath ice cold now. his dark eyes turned darker at times, and his sharp philtrum and equally defined lips would turn to a very big O, but Johnny wasn't moving, and the hands that would creep all over his body, ripping his skin and squeezing his limbs were nothing short of horrific, as much as Johnny shook his body, colliding against the crystal door of the shower, and throwing and smashing everything in his path, those shadows and twisted bodies would never let go of him, but when he looked back in the mirror, everything was gone. 

the disaster left after that was a true headache. 

“Johnny, seriously,” Taeyong came to him pointing a sharp broken glass towards him, he might be shorter than Johnny, but his eyes and his presence were enough to match his. “i can't keep cleaning after your every mess. this is urgent. Yuta! i want you to bring the kid back, asap!”

“you mean Kun,” Yuta talked back, Taeyong almost rolled his eyes at how obvious it was, but he settled with saying  _ yes _ and going back to pick up the big pieces of glass, ceramic and whatever Johnny had managed to destroy the night before. 

Johnny was just bandaging his open hand, that had stopped bleeding but that needed to be kept clean and covered. 

“by the way, Doyoung told me Jisung wanted some shoes for his birthday,” Taeyong spoke, it was going to be the youngest kid they had under their wing birthday, it was Taeyong who took care of them the most, but they all knew Johnny was in charge and they were actually really fond of him, as intimidating as he was. 

“alright, take him shopping,” he reached for the inside of his coat, taking out a big fat roll of money to grab a fair amount and give it to Taeyong. “and give him this,” he offered a sharp golden pocket knife. 

“what the hell,” Taeyong exclaimed. “we're not gifting children with weapons, Johnny.” 

“i just want him to have something to defend himself with,” Taeyong hesitated for a bit, but he knew how paranoid Johnny was when it came to children. he didn't fight, taking the blade in his hands and complying. 

“alright.” 

by the ninth day, at night, Johnny had resorted to staying awake, that way, he could manage his torments a little bit better and as he waited, looking at the empty wine glass with an equally empty stare, he thought,  _ maybe this is how Kun feels _ , whenever he waited for him to come to that lifeless shell, lit up only by Kun's soul. 

he grabbed the bottle, and just as he poured the burgundy liquid, the door handle cracked and Johnny lowered the glass down. 

“Johnny?”

Johnny's eyes sparkled bright. 

“yes, doll?”

“ _ i'm back. _ ” 

it was dark, since he didn't bother lighting up the place without Kun there, but it suddenly felt brighter than the sun with him here. 

Johnny opened his arms. Kun ran into them. 

“did he miss you?” 

Kun shook his head. 

“no. he was hospitalised, i didn't get to see him.” 

“good,” Kun was rubbing his nose against Johnny's cheek while Johnny was pressing his fingers around Kun's thin waist hard enough to bruise. “join me tomorrow?”

Kun forced himself to move his face away to be able to look up at Johnny's. “for what?” 

“we're going to deliver a birthday present tomorrow afternoon, what do you say, beauty?” 

Kun laid his head down on the crook of Johnny's neck and shoulder and it made Johnny melt. 

“yes. let's go.” 

silence. a comfortable silence this time, with Kun's breathing near his ear and his delicate body against his, as he traced imaginary patterns on Johnny's bare forearms. 

“Johnny…” Kun whispered, Johnny hummed, to let him know he was listening. “am i crazy?” 

Johnny straightened his posture at that. 

“no,” he denied. “no, you're not.” 

_ because you and i are just as out of our minds. _

“hmm,” Kun purred and Johnny thrived in the blind trust he put in him. “i don't have to go back, then, do i?” 

“no, you know you're safe with me, right?” 

_ right? _

_ it is them who are blind.  _

_ because you and i have found each other naturally _

_ and what's natural isn't wrong, or is it?  _

_ or is the true clarity that insanity is a normality? _

_ for who is sane? _

_ or is insanity our clarity? _

_ and sanity is a dreamed up notion for normality? _

“right.” 

_ who is insane?  _

_ is it i?  _

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know what happened here, i'm sorry.  
> i actually dreamt of this a couple nights ago, and all madness aside, having Johnny this 👌🏻 close was like going to heaven or to hell i still don't know (it might be hell tho, Taeyong said it himself this morning in the latest YouTube video after all),,, all i know! unnies! is that he looked so freaking good eye-  
> d e a d  
> ok  
> so i might need to write one last chapter, i realised just now *exasperated sigh* i still don't know, but it's very likely  
> love!


End file.
